As Grudges Grow, Baggage Grows

Have you ever been at death’s door only to find out that you were doomed with food poisoning? Next to going through labor three times, food poisoning is in second place for pain; food poisoning gets the second place trophy. My husband and I were living in a very small town, you know, that small town where no one signals because they all know where you’re going? Weekend excitement for us involved a trip to the grocery store and that’s where we contracted food poisoning. And the hospital was called “Joe’s Hospital”. No joke. We finally recovered from the food poison only to experience a far worse poison: the poison of unforgiveness.

For years I thought forgiveness was something to hoard. Lavished upon the person who crawled into my presence, wailing and begging me for it; something to be doled out on a case-by-case basis. Determined by whether someone deserved it. It was like a chivalry and I was the queen. I can say, in the end, this makes for a very unhappy queen! Unhappiness and a lack of peace lead me to understand three simple reasons why we don’t easily forgive.

• We don’t grant forgiveness unless someone has sought it. How can someone be forgiven if they don’t ask for it?

• We want justice or revenge. An eye for an eye?

• It’s just too painful.

As grudges grow, baggage grows. We develop grudges by harboring revenge, bitterness, anger, disillusionment. Grudges often lead to isolation. Jesus showed us a higher way. He taught us by example to forgive. His last, and many say most important, words on earth were, “Father, forgive them, they don’t know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34. What trips me up is that they don’t ask for my forgiveness. But here’s your headline. They didn’t ask Jesus for forgiveness and, on that day, forgiveness was a one-way street. And to top it off, Jesus didn’t hold it against them. Eventually, we can’t even keep our grudges straight—forgetting who’s in and who’s out. We so badly want to spin our forgiveness. I will forgive you, but you better never have bad behavior again. Ever. I will forgive you, but you are indebted to me for life. Spinning forgiveness to get our way can lead us to being consumed by unproductive thoughts.

Best life lesson: Forgiveness only has value when I give it away. I will now and forever more silently offer forgiveness, even to those who don’t see that they need it. By the act of forgiveness I am no longer spinning an outcome. The outcome is up to God. I realize today that it’s impossible to fight an enemy in my head. Jesus is really concerned about what is in our head and what we are holding on to. He is so concerned and so badly wants us to have the abundant life He created that He modeled forgiveness for us so we could access it all the days of our life.

Bottom-line: Forgiveness is a one-way street. Forgiveness is a decision, not an emotion. If we approach it as an emotion, most often the emotion will win and you will walk. Forgiveness is a secret that is hidden in plain sight. It’s available to everyone, and used by few.

Tool: Get real with yourself in this area of your life. Journal/become aware of these questions:

• Is this a person I need to forgive – or is this a person I need to gain forgiveness from?

• What is my most prevailing thought surrounding this person?

• What outside influences are causing me to be better or worse?

• What gifts, strengths, and talents do I have?

• Who do I need to forgive?

These questions will help you clarify and zoom in to what needs to happen. Grab a pitcher out of your cupboard. A juice pitcher. Tip the pitcher on its side. Pour out to God all the things that bother you about the person or situation. God doesn’t mind a rant. He already knows about it anyway. Let it all out to God. Then set your pitcher standing straight up and ask God to pour into you the forgiveness and compassion that He has for that person. I started doing this a few years ago; it’s mind blowing. This tool can change your heart and lead you to forgiveness.

Final note-to-self: We tend to be our own worst critic and judgement is a lose-lose situation. In order to liberate yourself and begin to forgive others, you must forgive yourself. Stop and self-assess. What am I beating myself up for? Get out the pitcher. Forgive yourself. Begin anew. The simple act of forgiving yourself will change your life! When you finally ditch the guilt and shame you will be positioned to become the person you want to be. God’s not mad at you and you don’t need to be mad at you either. Pick your poison. You can’t always know what you are being served up (food poisoning), but you can choose to keep the poison of unforgiveness out, and serve up forgiveness in your heart!