BASHERS GONNA BASH

I don’t know about you, but when someone sits down with me and says, “Mary, please don’t take this personally,” my blood level goes from 0-100 in seconds! I KNOW WHAT’S COMING! A big fat criticism. I brace myself to hear the dreaded critique, judgement, misunderstood intentions, and I’m quickly thrown into fight of flight! Then, after the criticism has been communicated and the person bounces along their way, I’m swarmed by triggers of the past: hurt-fear-sad-mad-insecure. But, here’s what is: you don’t have to pull the trigger. You may feel triggers for a while, but ultimately, don’t pull the trigger; don’t go back and increase your baggage. More baggage #more work. Don’t do it.

Most of us understand constructive criticism, which I welcome. I am kind of a feedback junkie and I can usually glean something from anyone. Healthy constructive criticism does not increase your baggage. It may even lesson your load. Constructive feedback makes you better. Most of us are on board with constructive criticism.

I’m addressing the other type of criticism. The unhealthy, subtle, passive-aggressive, sly type of criticism. After tons of college and working with all kinds of people and working on myself-big time-I have pulled up the weed from the dirt patch called criticism and guess what the root was? It was a long, strong, deep root called jealousy.

Here is what I know for sure. There will always be people who bash on you. There are people in your life who are never going to like you. It’s true. Some people won’t like anything you do as you become more successful. This reminds me of one of my favorite movies: The Blind Side. I adore that movie on so many levels. And even though it made over $500 billion at the box office, there were critical reviews written about it. Really? The Blind Side? Bashers gonna bash.

Many people don’t want to call out jealousy, for some reason. I have had people whisper in my ear, “They’re just jealous”. I have had peoples say, “Could it possibly be jealousy?” I have had people mouth it to me slowly, “They’re-just-jealous”. I have experienced a tentative demeanor about jealousy; don’t quite get that? God is not tentative and He has a lot to say about jealousy. 1 Corinthians “Love is patient and kind, love is not jealous, it is not rude.” James 3:16 “For where jealousy and selfish ambitions exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.”

What ever happen to the days when people were happy for each other? Not sure those days ever existed? Jealousy is so old that God had to hit it straight on in His word. It has been around since the beginning of time: Cain and Able! So let’s be wise and not let jealousy run amok in our lives.

Bottom line: Bashers gonna bash, but I will not add one more bag to my load. I will look straight in the face of jealousy and call it out (not be a wimp), not whisper, but confidently say…”It’s jealousy and God knows all about jealousy.” I may feel the triggers for a short time, but I refuse to pull the trigger.

Tool:

• As soon as you have connected the dots and are aware that you are dealing with jealousy, go right to your dirt patch. Can you see it? It is an ugly, rocky patch of dirt with a big sickly weed in the middle. Reach down and pull like crazy and the weed comes up. There it is-jealousy. Dealing with jealousy is tough and it is a time to trust God and also be a good witness to the world.

• A good size weed will leave a hole in the ground where it used to live. We will refill the hole with some of God’s precious, beautiful, perfect soil. Ezekel 36:34 “The desolate land will be cultivated instead of being in desolation in the sight of everyone.” Time to cultivate.

1. Reality Check. Spend some time in prayer and ask God to reveal clarity on this issue to you. Be still and wait. Talk with your accountability partner or mentor. Get a fresh objective take on it and consider their feedback. Read God’s word and journal your thoughts.

2. Categorize your weed.

Weed #1 The harmless weed. These are people who are rolling their eyes when you talk and are bashing you a little behind your back. They don’t have the courage to face you straight on. These weeds are somewhat harmless and will always be present. Don’t let them push your buttons. Ignore them and keep moving forward.

Weed #2 The toxic weed. Totally different scenario. They can sabotage you or your career, your relationships, or your life. The jealousy is toxic and you gotta deal with this one. Remember, grace & truth can go to work with you. You get your grace & truth on and confront. Yes. You can do confrontation God’s way with G&T.

Strategy Breakdown:

1. Ask for an appointment or a private time to meet. “Hey…do you have a time we could sit down and visit-privately?”

2. Thank them for meeting with you. “Thanks so much for making time for me. “

3. Start with grace: pull out a positive in something they said, accept a challenge in their feedback, appreciate something they bring to your life. “I have been thinking about your comment from the other day in the break room. One of the things I have always appreciated about you is your honesty and that how you help me out when I am overloaded. Man, I appreciate that!”

4. State the bridge to your truth: words like “however” “and” “yet”…anything except the word “but.” “However, as I thought more about it…” “And, as I was thinking in more detail about it…” “Yet, as I thought about it last night…”

5. End with your truth: use “I” statements, express honesty, be tactful and direct, and be clear. “However, as I thought about it last night, I kind of felt like you were making fun of my project. It just kind of hurt my feelings and it didn’t sit right with me.” “And, as I was thinking in more detail, I realized last night that your comment was kind of a put down. It made me feel like crap.” “Yet, as I thought about it last night, I didn’t appreciate the joke. It rubbed me the wrong way.”

6. Watch and feel the Holy Spirit show up. He will shape this confrontation into something new, something better. If awareness and amends take place, be the first one to offer grace, because that is what we all want to receive.

You are tooled up and ready for the next time someone says, “Please don’t take this personally.” You will smile, assess, and go to God your Great Gardener and He will help you pull the weeds in your life. Let Jesus inspire you as you remember how He dealt with His bashers. He said it first in John 15:18, “If the world hates you, keep in mind that they first hated me.” Bashers gonna bash.